Winter can feel free to suck it

Ten reasons why I hate winter

By Skinnymojo

You there - shut up and listen!

1. All the fucking snow

Seriously. Fuck snow, and all the bullshit that comes with it.

• People tracking snow all over your house
• Stranded in my apartment because the city refuses to get off its dead ass
• People who insist on proving to themselves that their 1985 Ford Escort can do 80 on the interstate - which is, of course, covered in a 2-inch sheet of ice. Good luck with that, clown.



"Dang! Christmas is ruined!"

• Because of the combination of snow and "Christmas spirit" (more on that in a minute), every jerkwad and their sister is clogging every possible route to where you need to be.



"Turn left, you bastard!"

• Digging my car out of the 10 feet of snow that the city felt the need to shove up my car's ass. Then, when I come home, some rat-bastard has stolen the spot I dug. "Oh, I don't mind that you took that parking spot I spent 45 minutes digging out - it's the most wonderful time of the year! Enjoy the fruits of my frostbite-inducing labor!"
• Nothing brings more joy to my heart than screaming "shitshitshitshitSHIIIIIIIIT", as I nearly careen off the road due to "black ice".

Snow does, however, afford one the opportunity to nail that bastard neighbor kid with a well-aimed iceball.

That's whatcha get for tracking snow on my carpet, snot-nose.

2. The temperature drop

3. Increased chances for frostbite/hypothermia

And that's just from trotting my happy ass outside to check the mail; god forbid I actually have somewhere to go (I usually make sure I don't). Sorry folks - I can't concentrate on how "beautiful this time of year is" when I can't feel my toes.

Happy Holidays!

4. Even the sun hates winter

5. Sick people

6. "Christmas Spirit"

For approximately 340 days a year, most of us are seriously insufferable assholes - seething with anger, depression, lust, pride, envy, and all the other things that make us human, and who we are. Then, Coca-Cola puts Santa Claus on their cans, and suddenly we're expected to be more tolerant of that asshole at the light who's afraid to turn left? We're supposed to be more forgiving of the idiot at Best Buy, who - despite just standing there with his thumb up his ass - directs you to "ask that guy over there, that's his department"? So now, I have to grin and bear it when we go around the in-laws, who spend the rest of the year asking you when I'm "going to get a 'real' job"? I call shenanigans. Next time someone wishes you a "Happy Holidays!", express your Christmas spirit with a ball-bat across the lips. See how "merry" they are after that.

My next-door neighbor, feelin' the Christmas Spirit.

7. Christmas decorations

Wanna show the world how much money you're willing to waste on electricity? Cover your house in Christmas lights! I really appreciate you giving these already-slow assholes in front of me a reason to go even slower, so they can gawk at that "really cute" Santa Claus you haphazardly stuck on your roof. I DO take comfort in the thought of the whole arrangement being ruined by that one bulb out of 500 that went bad. In fact, I wish that on you.

Serves you right.

8. Black Friday

Trample down your fellow man (and woman) for your chance to buy this season's "hot toy" that your already-spoiled child won't appreciate! Nothing says "love" like waiting 6 hours in the cold to spend money you probably don't have, on shit that nobody needs. The best part? Most of the stuff they give you first crack at on Black Friday will still be there two weeks later, for the same price.

Jesus is laughing at you.

9. @ Winter: isn't it about time for you to get outta here?

I don't know about you, but the area I live in enjoys about 2 months of Spring, 2 months of Summer, and 3 months of Fall. Winter is like that drunk dude at the party nobody likes enough to give a ride home; he finds a thousand reasons to stick around, manages to spend the night, and screws your plans for the next day when he won't get the hell out.

Winter, not getting the hint.

10. Christmas Carolers

Get the hell offa my porch.

One thing I DO enjoy about this time of year

The author, in a rare happy moment during the holidays