Bored? Why not get a damned job?

By IAmAMeatPopsicle

As you are showering away the flop-sweat and miasma of Pabst Blue Ribbon, you ask yourself: "How do I get a job?"  A job would be a welcome change, since you're tired of washing yourself with a paper towel and the box your soap came in.

Fret not - your buddy IAmAMeatPopsicle is here to help!

STEP 1: Find someone actually willing to hire your sorry ass

1. DO NOT use Craigslist... unless you want to show up to an abandoned building, and subsequently end up buggered.

"Lube up...your training begins now."

2. Don't forget to check your local want-ads. Steal the newspaper from a homeless man - times are tough, he'll understand.

Be fair - at least let him finish his nap.

4. Try the unemployment office.  You can sign up for a company that's hiring for one position with 40 thousand applicants, AND you can have the people that work there look at you like you're dog-shit as an added bonus!

"Your own mother wouldn't hire you to take out the trash, freak."

5. Your best bet? Try to ride in on the coat tails of a friend that already has gainful employment. You spend the least amount of energy, and have the highest success rate.

"Hookers for lunch? Let's do this."

STEP 2: You actually got an interview?!

1. Try showering with the soap that came in the box - or you can do what everybody else does, and hose yourself down with "Axe" for that "French male prostitute smell"... not the good kind.

"Discounts for co-workers, yo."

3. References: Nothing looks more impressive than scrolling through your cell phone because you can't remember your own phone number or own last name. You can call it your "PDA" all you want - nobody is buying it.

A viable alternative

4. Be punctual. Show up for the interview 5 minutes before it's due to start. Sure, you'll be waiting an hour because the fuck-tard slotted you right at lunch time and he doesn't mind if you wait an additional 45 minutes. But, people are watching. People are always watching.

And you know this guy's watching.

5. Bad-mouth your former employer as a way of swearing loyalty to the company you're applying for. They like that. They WANT to know how much their competition sucks.

"America? Oh, I agree totally, dude. Fuck those guys. So...am I hired?"

6. Take your dick out when he/she asks you about what skills you have. A large penis shows you have confidence - people like that. If you have a small penis and the courage to wave it around in full view of a stranger, well that's a no-brainer. If it's a lady giving the interview toss her a wink and let her know you find her attractive. Flattery will get you everywhere.

Ron Jeremy gets every job he applies for.

STEP 3: You got hired!

You did it! You finally scored a job. Never mind that's it's third shift at a White Castle. You're in there. Nothing can stop you now! However, there are some things you want to avoid doing until the probation period is up:

1. Keep your dick in your pants. The interview is over, hot-shot. You don't want that bad boy flopping around on the cooking surface and get burned. The last thing you need is a workers comp case and a scorched wang on your first day. You could get the axe. Then you would have burned your dick for nothing.

2. Wash your hands or at least mime drying them off as you leave the bathroom (only if the manager is watching).

On the other hand, cleanliness is next to godliness...

4. Don't scratch your balls in front of the customers. That's what your breaks are for. I go by a simple rule: if you scratch your balls outside your pants you're golden. If you reach in there and really dig around at least get your hands wet. You don't want to waste the companies money on soap costs. That's just selfish.

"Why does my hand smell like Jergen's? Oh...right."

5. Whatever you do, DO NOT wash your uniform if it gets dirty. If your manager sees your dirty uniform, it looks like you work extra hard.

Got yer raise right here, baby.

After your 90 days are up:

It's time to let it all take a flying fuck at you. You can do what you want now, you're in the butter zone.  Take chances. Now is the time to take your pecker out and swing it around, if it get's burned you can get you some paid time off thanks to workers comp and not have to worry about getting canned!

If you follow my advice you too can be gainfully employed and live the good life, if you consider 40+ hours a week doing something you hate just so you can have two days to get drunk in style the good life, which I do.

Just keep chanting my personal mantra: "I don't have to work hard - I only look like I do."

The author, on a typical work-day